that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
