she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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