i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
