I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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