Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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