I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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