i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish I only lived at night.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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