i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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