Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
