I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
