he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dicks are not precious.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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