I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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