I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
