Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
