It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
