my phone needs a breathalizer
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
