Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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