I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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