My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
