We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
