I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
