Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
