I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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