im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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