I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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