Princesses don't give blow jobs
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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