He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
