I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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