Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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