i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
