You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
