6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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