What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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