So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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