I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think a kid would responsible me up
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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