i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
