I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
