did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
