Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
