I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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