How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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