I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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