Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
