I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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