I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Your tits are I can't wait for
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
