We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
