omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Randomize
