I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
