Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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