i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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