At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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