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I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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