hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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