this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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