K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
