did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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