just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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