Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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