Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
