I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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