her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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