before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
