Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize