i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
