u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
