so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
