I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
