Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
